Being overweight affects our relationships and is one is of the reasons why we don’t allow ourselves enjoy the pleasure of a wonderful sexual relationship. Today we are going to explore this a little more and also look at how some women/men gain weight for protection against further pain and suffering because of past destructive relationships.
Week 2 we identified our values and noted that either finding love or maintaining harmonious relationships were at the top of our list. If you want to find love but don’t go out socialising because you are overweight, then the chances of meeting the love of your life are slim. So it is important that you rediscover your feel good factor again and slowly step into achieving your heart’s desire to reclaim your power from food (don’t put it off any longer, start today).
The abuse of food is not only self-sabotaging, but when you are out of control with your eating habits and continually criticising your body you pay a very high price. The loss of power, confidence and self esteem is too high a price to pay as it robs you of 3 things that you desire most in life, a loving relationship, a beautiful body and a wonderful social life. I know you might say that “it’s easier said than done to have self control” but here is the thing! Why would you give your power, self esteem and confidence away to food when you can have everything in life that you want, happiness, a loving relationship, a wonderful body and great social life etc, etc. The list is endless when you surrender to the war against food and make peace with it in a new motivated approach as you become responsible, accountable and committed to yourself in a kind and loving way that suits your specific needs.
Some people find it is easier to sit at home and eat for comfort and protection rather than enter into another relationship for fear of being hurt again. I have met many clients who put weight on so that they don’t have to have a sexual relationship, because of an old limiting belief that suggests “men find me sexually attractive when I am thin and only want me for my body” and so they pile on weight for protection. While there is a comfort in knowing that this excess weight makes them less physically attractive to some men, however over eating is much more soul destroying and abusive every single day than the pleasure that they would receive if they took a risk on falling “in love” again. Love doesn’t hurt, the outcome of our expectations hurt when others don’t meet our needs. We expect that they should “know me by now” which is an absolute impossibility unless our partners are mind readers since we don’t know our own minds at the best of times.
Here is a common issue that I come across regularly with couples. A client will say I really want to lose weight but my significant other is insecure, jealous and afraid of losing me. He/she is mentally or physically abusive, using nasty put downs to sabotage my progress. Controlling jealous people feel insecure whether you lose weight or not, they feel insanely jealous when you talk to strangers or text someone without telling them who you are talking too etc; you know the type I am talking about. You see in their model of the world as long as you stay fat no one else will want you and they will continually remind you of that. “Who else would want you”? Don’t give your power away to anyone who wants you to change to make them feel more secure about themselves. This type of relationship is toxic and if by the way you are that person I am talking about in this article, please for your own sake, go and talk to a therapist. Your insecurity will always ruin and squeeze the love and life out of the best of relationships and Your continued angry out bursts, name calling and making someone else suffer because of your insecurities won’t end until you make that decision to change today. Why not give yourself a present between now and Christmas and talk to someone who can help you change your life for good and make this year the start of the rest of your life.
Most people attending my clinic with body image issues allow limiting beliefs about their body size or shape to affect their love life. Fearing judgment, they prevent themselves from enjoying sex and apologise before they undress (in the dark) in case their partners’ main focus is on stretch marks, scars or cellulite (which is never the case). They deny themselves and their significant other the pleasures of sex until they can look a certain body shape or size (which is an unrealistic goal as it seldom happens) because they don’t believe that they look appealing enough, comparing themselves to stereotypes, who they consider to have the perfect blemish free body.
So many people tell me that they are lonely, and yet don’t want a relationship because they could get hurt, but feel hurt and lonely every day because they don’t have a relationship, comfort eating relentlessly with food as their only friend. We really do hurt ourselves more than other people can ever hurt us don’t we? To end this vicious cycle once and for all and achieve our heart’s desire we must practice self-control with food, not “dieting” self-control, but “healthy eating” and “healthy living” self-control.
Ladies here is another big no no! Whatever you do don’t turn to your husband and say “don’t let me eat that, I’m on a diet”. “Even if I fight with you don’t let me eat that desert” because in fairness to him, he will do as you ask, and will hear a few choice words in return every time he does what you ask, bearing in mind that this request was originally made at a time when you were feeling good about yourself and not craving food. You see when we set our sights on desert, love nor money won’t keep us from getting what we want, especially when the moment of madness strikes. If you would like your relationships to last don’t ask your husband/wife/family to go on a diet with you otherwise when famine brain sets in and you are not getting enough food, you will end up arguing and no one will win. It would be so much easier if you never went on a diet again and learned how to take your power and self-control back from food so as to live your best life possible. The buck starts here with us when we teach ourselves we can teach others!
Usually the people who notice a body for its imperfections rather than its beauty are people who have huge body image issues themselves. Have you ever seen a large person who oozes sex appeal? Sex appeal radiates from the inside out. It doesn’t matter what size you are if you can accept your body as it is (knowing that you are the one who caused it to be overweight) and set a new intention that from here on in, you will care for and love your body in a way that you have never cared for it before, having a new sense of appreciation and respect, enjoying the freedom and radiance that comes from within when you accept your body fully, fine tuning it like a grand piano one note at a time so that when it is well tuned it emanates greater harmony.
Wouldn’t it be worth it to live the rest of your life free from looking at your imperfections so that you can carry yourself with a grace and self-appreciation as you feel wonderful within? The less time and energy you spend focusing on pain, suffering and dieting and the more you focus on nourishing yourself mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually, the more you will enjoy the pleasure of maintaining a happy and healthy mind and body.
Margaret Denmead is an experienced therapist with a successful private practice in Cahir, Co. Tipperary, and has helped many people create the change in their life that they so desire. She is a qualified Clinical Hypnotherapist, N.L.P Master Practitioner, Life Coach and she also works with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You can contact her on 086 8256204 to make an appointment and check out her website margaretdenmead.com or email firstname.lastname@example.org